Today would be one month after the loss of my babies. Gosh... It's still hurts!!!! Amma loves u'll so much my little angels. Am sure they'll be watching over us and giving us the strength.
I'm trying to b strong. It's really tough but I'm going to keep fighting and trying.
This few days I finally manage to step out of my room. I'm trying to spend some times with my neice & nephew. This little Childrens smile n laugh makes me wants to over come all this quickly and be the normal me soon.
11days more, to get back to work. I'm going to do permanent night shift. I nvr liked night shift, but now I prefer it. I just want to avoid as many ppl as possible.
Hope getting back to work, won't make me more down. I'm sure many ppl are going to ask alot question. I'm juz afraid I'll breakdown at work and I can concentrate on my job. God Plz give me the strength.
Friday, 5 August 2011
Sunday, 24 July 2011
What shall I do?
It's been 3weeks now. Still feeling lost. Yesterday evening my BFF came to visit me. She went tru what the same situation few years back. It's really nice to talk to someone who's in the same shoe with me. We cried... We shared stories...I loved her for being there for me during my toughest time in my life. I'm really proud to hv such a good friend.
Then later at night DH and me had a talk for our future plan. I told him we would try in future but for now I need to knw the real cause of their loss and I need more time to greive for them. I'm gonna give myself atlest 6month to recover from it.
It's really tough to plan for another baby. My twins baby is always in my mind. DH seems to be really upset n down ever since our babies left. But he's trying to move on and not to talk about it. After yesterdays talk he really burst out and started crying the whole night and that's how I knew he misses the babies too.
We even discuss about adoption baby. But DH was not really keen and he said we should try again. I knw he wants to hv our own babies. But in my mind how sure it's not going to happen in the next pregnancy? If the Dr can tell me whats the cause of the loss maybe we can try to prevent it in future. But knw Eveything is still a question mark. It's been 3weeks and everyday I kept telling myself what made us to loss the babies. Was anything wrong with my uterus??? Cervix??? Placenta??
Now all I want to know what made me to loss them. Would b going in for a follow up next month 16th. I what to ask this question to my gyne again. I just hope he would say something rather then its being an unknown cause.
If we knw the reason of it, we can plan for the future. But if we dont knw shall I try again??? I'm just so lost.
Then later at night DH and me had a talk for our future plan. I told him we would try in future but for now I need to knw the real cause of their loss and I need more time to greive for them. I'm gonna give myself atlest 6month to recover from it.
It's really tough to plan for another baby. My twins baby is always in my mind. DH seems to be really upset n down ever since our babies left. But he's trying to move on and not to talk about it. After yesterdays talk he really burst out and started crying the whole night and that's how I knew he misses the babies too.
We even discuss about adoption baby. But DH was not really keen and he said we should try again. I knw he wants to hv our own babies. But in my mind how sure it's not going to happen in the next pregnancy? If the Dr can tell me whats the cause of the loss maybe we can try to prevent it in future. But knw Eveything is still a question mark. It's been 3weeks and everyday I kept telling myself what made us to loss the babies. Was anything wrong with my uterus??? Cervix??? Placenta??
Now all I want to know what made me to loss them. Would b going in for a follow up next month 16th. I what to ask this question to my gyne again. I just hope he would say something rather then its being an unknown cause.
If we knw the reason of it, we can plan for the future. But if we dont knw shall I try again??? I'm just so lost.
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Nightmare!!
It's been 17days our angels left us. But I still cant get over things. I miss them badly. Wish my angels can knw how much I misses them.
17days had past. And every single night I hv difficulty in sleeping. I stoped taking those sleeping medication( dormicum). Afraid I'll get addicted to it. Every night I struggle to sleep and when I doze off, I get NIGHTMARE!!! I gets up in btw with those scary feeling. I'm juz afraid to sleep every night. How am I going to over come this???
My girlfriends and in laws are calling me evey single day. I don't answer to any phone calls and I dont reply their text msg's. I just want to b alone. I knw talking to them would make me more emotional. I just need more time to b my normal self again.
Poor DH, he's down with bad cough, sore throat, flu & fever. Usually he needed me the most Wen he is sick. This time. I can't take care of him now. I'm not in the stage to take care of him as I'm not recovered mentally yet. I feel so sorry for him but I'm praying he'll get better and I'll can over come this situation quickly.
I must get back to work early next month. But I'm not ready yet. I might prolong my MC or just take and unpaid leave till mid next month. My life going to change after loosing our pricious babies. I won't b the strong person as I was before. I can't b friendly as I was before & Im going to live my life with full of fear.
DH is trying to think positive. He went to the fertility clinic last week. He wanted to see Dato.P and discuss the next plan for us. Dato.P, was very upset Wen he heard about our lost. Dato.P said maybe my uterus can't cope with twins. Maybe I should try with single embryo transfer in future. Dato.P asked to wait for 6months before we try again for the FET. They wants me to mentally and physically b prepared before the FET. So DH got home and delivered this msg to me. I knw he wanted to tell this to me to keep me really positive. But seriously it made me felt even worst. I'm juz so scared tat would this happen again for the next pregnancy??? I really want a baby, but I can't imagine going tru all this pain again. I'm juz so scared. Maybe as time goes, I'll b able to make a good choice for ourself.
17days had past. And every single night I hv difficulty in sleeping. I stoped taking those sleeping medication( dormicum). Afraid I'll get addicted to it. Every night I struggle to sleep and when I doze off, I get NIGHTMARE!!! I gets up in btw with those scary feeling. I'm juz afraid to sleep every night. How am I going to over come this???
My girlfriends and in laws are calling me evey single day. I don't answer to any phone calls and I dont reply their text msg's. I just want to b alone. I knw talking to them would make me more emotional. I just need more time to b my normal self again.
Poor DH, he's down with bad cough, sore throat, flu & fever. Usually he needed me the most Wen he is sick. This time. I can't take care of him now. I'm not in the stage to take care of him as I'm not recovered mentally yet. I feel so sorry for him but I'm praying he'll get better and I'll can over come this situation quickly.
I must get back to work early next month. But I'm not ready yet. I might prolong my MC or just take and unpaid leave till mid next month. My life going to change after loosing our pricious babies. I won't b the strong person as I was before. I can't b friendly as I was before & Im going to live my life with full of fear.
DH is trying to think positive. He went to the fertility clinic last week. He wanted to see Dato.P and discuss the next plan for us. Dato.P, was very upset Wen he heard about our lost. Dato.P said maybe my uterus can't cope with twins. Maybe I should try with single embryo transfer in future. Dato.P asked to wait for 6months before we try again for the FET. They wants me to mentally and physically b prepared before the FET. So DH got home and delivered this msg to me. I knw he wanted to tell this to me to keep me really positive. But seriously it made me felt even worst. I'm juz so scared tat would this happen again for the next pregnancy??? I really want a baby, but I can't imagine going tru all this pain again. I'm juz so scared. Maybe as time goes, I'll b able to make a good choice for ourself.
Sunday, 17 July 2011
My life almost came to an end.
It's my 1st blog!!!! Nvr in my life thought of having a blog... Where do I start??? So many stuff had happen!!!!
I'm 28Yrs this year and my DH is 34yrs. We got married in Mei09 and been TTC since then. I think god wasn't with us and we wasn't gifted a child. After talking to my mum, she had suggested for us to see an O&G. Sept'2010, DH and myself went to see a DR. He's one of the most famous Doctor in Kuala Lumpur, Dr.Ravi Chandran. I was very gifted to see him because within the 1st appointment I knew what was our real prob. We was dealing wif fertility prob. Yes!!! It's a big big prob. We both got a real big shock and I was holding on my tears. I was so sad, as I won't b able to concive a baby naturally.He gave us another big shocking news!! He said nothing can b done other then IVF. I started holding on my tears. We was refered by DH friend to see an expert in fertility. He claims he's the best one and u'll Nvr be cheated with. As soon we walked out of the clinic I started tearing and DH was holding his tears too. I still kept weeping in the car, and DH was kept on saying everything going to be alright. It made me even sad. But I remember on the same day in the car while he was out of mind driving, not sure where we was heading to, sudenlly he said 'let's go to the fertility clinic now'. I was mad at that time. I asked him "do u know it's going to be freaking expensive??' DH said don't worry about the money, he'll work it out. He gave me all the positive tought and drove straight to Damansara. The fertility clinic is located at 6 floor at Kl sport center hospital. Staff over there was amazing. They asked us to fill up the registration form and got us
seated. After few minutes we met our fertility doctor, Dato Dr Prashant. We was so comfortable with his explanation and he gave us a very high hope. We suddenly became strong as soon as I saw Dato prashant. Trust me, at the very moment I just felt Dato.P was just = GOD. Dato.P explains it from the good to the worst and he gave us higher hopes because of my age. Dato.P did scan me on that day and he said,he'll check me in more detail after the follow up. Dato.P, was a very kind doctor I would say. He even Gv us an option to go to MOH if we are have financial prob.
We got home that day. DH and I sat closely and discuss what were best for us. At the very 1st moment DH &I both felt that Dato.P would b the best person for us to seek treatment as we both was very comfortabl & had high confident with Dato.P. Remember I said DATO.P=GOD???
Yes to make it short, I was pregnant for the very 1st time on feb'2011 after our 1st attempt of fresh cycle of IVF. DH and I was above the moon. It was the happiest day for us. And again it wouldn't work out without Dato.P and his 3 wonderfull angels(his staff). His staffs I must say they are like 1st class staffs okey!! They was all equally happy for us.
DH & I spreaded the news that day itself to my family and his. They was extremly happy for us. My mum & dad was so excited and Tgey made many vows in various temples.
And after 2weeks of my beta test, we went in for our scan and there was 2 heart beats!! Yes 2!! We are going to b a family of 4!! Yeah!!! We was not gifted one but two!! We felt it was gods power to Gv us double happiness. Then Wen times went on I had a mild bleeding at almost 12weeks and was given an injection to stop the bleeding. I was very frighten to death this time. The very next day Dato.P did a scan and confirmed that every was alright with the babies and said nothing to worry about. That was out last day we with him and was referred the very same day to see my O&G because I needed to take my injection because I'm a RH -ve group blood. We rushed to leave to another hosp coz I didn't want to delay to medication. And I left without saying thanks and good bye to the staffs there thinking I'll b coming in another day to pay a social visit to them with choc & flowers.
We didn't get back to Dato.P clinic after that. Eveything started to become worst. I got my 1st dose of rogam injection for my -ve blood group. After another month I had very heavy bleed this time. I had blood gushing out in the toilet and I rushed to Dr.Ravi's clinic immediately.
He did a scan and claims nothing to worry snout. Dr.ravi's word made me so comfortable and Gv me another injection to stop the bleeding and asked me to keep continue with my duphaston tablet. I went home and immediately rested on the bed. The bleeding subside and eventually stopped after 3-4days. And I was less anxious too. The worst nightmare ever started Wen I went in for my detail scan. Our both babies was so healthy and beautiful. Dr said everything was perfectly normal and we was told it's gonna b a pair. 1 girl and 1boy!! Again we was over the moon and spread the news to all our closet ones. After few days of the detail scan I develop bleeding again and this time was even more. I bleed alot!! Really really alot!!! Rushed to Dr Ravi again and was told both babies are ok. And we suspect the bleeding was from my below placenta. And he told me to get admitted and just for observation. This time I was given another shot of injection rogam for my resus -ve blood and was put un bed rest in the hosp. After to days I had contraction pain. The worst pain ever. I was holding on strong for my both babies at that time until one moment the pain was so huge and I can't hold to it. Dr suresh came in to insert an epidural very quickly and the pain ease away. Dr Ravi did all he can to save the both babies but finally he had to Gv up. My cervix was widely dilated and the medication wasn't helping out.My babies could not hold longer for us too. I finally Gv birth my precious twins. I couldn't stop crying!! I felt like dying!! I felt like it was me who suppose to die not my innocent babies. DH was crying away too. We both was totally lost. I even felt like going crazy. I didn't hold or see my babies... I just didn't Hv the heart to see them death!!! DH and my mum saw the babies. Daddy & granny said u'll look so beautiful.
I was so angry with god!! How can god Gv me to feel my babies for just 20weeks. Y must the go tru suffering?? I still can't accept the losses of my angels. I love them very much and still thinking about them. It's been 12days u left us babies, but Im still grieving for u'll. Wait for mr in heaven and I'll join u'll soon. I love u so much my babies. God now I can juz pray to keep them in peace.
And today I decided atleast with this blog I can remember my son & daughter forever. This memories of theirs would forever be with us. Nothing can replace u'll babies. I'll keep all your memories safely. Ur pic's of scans and ur cd during the detail scan are my only memories which would b something I can see and think of u'll.
I just can't think now, I just don't knw where this journey of motherhood would come to a happy ending.
I'm 28Yrs this year and my DH is 34yrs. We got married in Mei09 and been TTC since then. I think god wasn't with us and we wasn't gifted a child. After talking to my mum, she had suggested for us to see an O&G. Sept'2010, DH and myself went to see a DR. He's one of the most famous Doctor in Kuala Lumpur, Dr.Ravi Chandran. I was very gifted to see him because within the 1st appointment I knew what was our real prob. We was dealing wif fertility prob. Yes!!! It's a big big prob. We both got a real big shock and I was holding on my tears. I was so sad, as I won't b able to concive a baby naturally.He gave us another big shocking news!! He said nothing can b done other then IVF. I started holding on my tears. We was refered by DH friend to see an expert in fertility. He claims he's the best one and u'll Nvr be cheated with. As soon we walked out of the clinic I started tearing and DH was holding his tears too. I still kept weeping in the car, and DH was kept on saying everything going to be alright. It made me even sad. But I remember on the same day in the car while he was out of mind driving, not sure where we was heading to, sudenlly he said 'let's go to the fertility clinic now'. I was mad at that time. I asked him "do u know it's going to be freaking expensive??' DH said don't worry about the money, he'll work it out. He gave me all the positive tought and drove straight to Damansara. The fertility clinic is located at 6 floor at Kl sport center hospital. Staff over there was amazing. They asked us to fill up the registration form and got us
seated. After few minutes we met our fertility doctor, Dato Dr Prashant. We was so comfortable with his explanation and he gave us a very high hope. We suddenly became strong as soon as I saw Dato prashant. Trust me, at the very moment I just felt Dato.P was just = GOD. Dato.P explains it from the good to the worst and he gave us higher hopes because of my age. Dato.P did scan me on that day and he said,he'll check me in more detail after the follow up. Dato.P, was a very kind doctor I would say. He even Gv us an option to go to MOH if we are have financial prob.
We got home that day. DH and I sat closely and discuss what were best for us. At the very 1st moment DH &I both felt that Dato.P would b the best person for us to seek treatment as we both was very comfortabl & had high confident with Dato.P. Remember I said DATO.P=GOD???
Yes to make it short, I was pregnant for the very 1st time on feb'2011 after our 1st attempt of fresh cycle of IVF. DH and I was above the moon. It was the happiest day for us. And again it wouldn't work out without Dato.P and his 3 wonderfull angels(his staff). His staffs I must say they are like 1st class staffs okey!! They was all equally happy for us.
DH & I spreaded the news that day itself to my family and his. They was extremly happy for us. My mum & dad was so excited and Tgey made many vows in various temples.
And after 2weeks of my beta test, we went in for our scan and there was 2 heart beats!! Yes 2!! We are going to b a family of 4!! Yeah!!! We was not gifted one but two!! We felt it was gods power to Gv us double happiness. Then Wen times went on I had a mild bleeding at almost 12weeks and was given an injection to stop the bleeding. I was very frighten to death this time. The very next day Dato.P did a scan and confirmed that every was alright with the babies and said nothing to worry about. That was out last day we with him and was referred the very same day to see my O&G because I needed to take my injection because I'm a RH -ve group blood. We rushed to leave to another hosp coz I didn't want to delay to medication. And I left without saying thanks and good bye to the staffs there thinking I'll b coming in another day to pay a social visit to them with choc & flowers.
We didn't get back to Dato.P clinic after that. Eveything started to become worst. I got my 1st dose of rogam injection for my -ve blood group. After another month I had very heavy bleed this time. I had blood gushing out in the toilet and I rushed to Dr.Ravi's clinic immediately.
He did a scan and claims nothing to worry snout. Dr.ravi's word made me so comfortable and Gv me another injection to stop the bleeding and asked me to keep continue with my duphaston tablet. I went home and immediately rested on the bed. The bleeding subside and eventually stopped after 3-4days. And I was less anxious too. The worst nightmare ever started Wen I went in for my detail scan. Our both babies was so healthy and beautiful. Dr said everything was perfectly normal and we was told it's gonna b a pair. 1 girl and 1boy!! Again we was over the moon and spread the news to all our closet ones. After few days of the detail scan I develop bleeding again and this time was even more. I bleed alot!! Really really alot!!! Rushed to Dr Ravi again and was told both babies are ok. And we suspect the bleeding was from my below placenta. And he told me to get admitted and just for observation. This time I was given another shot of injection rogam for my resus -ve blood and was put un bed rest in the hosp. After to days I had contraction pain. The worst pain ever. I was holding on strong for my both babies at that time until one moment the pain was so huge and I can't hold to it. Dr suresh came in to insert an epidural very quickly and the pain ease away. Dr Ravi did all he can to save the both babies but finally he had to Gv up. My cervix was widely dilated and the medication wasn't helping out.My babies could not hold longer for us too. I finally Gv birth my precious twins. I couldn't stop crying!! I felt like dying!! I felt like it was me who suppose to die not my innocent babies. DH was crying away too. We both was totally lost. I even felt like going crazy. I didn't hold or see my babies... I just didn't Hv the heart to see them death!!! DH and my mum saw the babies. Daddy & granny said u'll look so beautiful.
I was so angry with god!! How can god Gv me to feel my babies for just 20weeks. Y must the go tru suffering?? I still can't accept the losses of my angels. I love them very much and still thinking about them. It's been 12days u left us babies, but Im still grieving for u'll. Wait for mr in heaven and I'll join u'll soon. I love u so much my babies. God now I can juz pray to keep them in peace.
And today I decided atleast with this blog I can remember my son & daughter forever. This memories of theirs would forever be with us. Nothing can replace u'll babies. I'll keep all your memories safely. Ur pic's of scans and ur cd during the detail scan are my only memories which would b something I can see and think of u'll.
I just can't think now, I just don't knw where this journey of motherhood would come to a happy ending.
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